You may remember when I wrote about my
son's decision, announced at the dinner table, that he didn't think he wanted to be a father because then he'd "have to pee in his wife." Clearly, playground talk had begun even as early as six.
So, I was struck by some of the detracting comments in response to my recent post about that same, now seven-year old, son asking me "Mom,
What's sexy?"
Some offered me a "correct" definition of sexy having to do with clothes or the way a person looks. (It seems that they missed my point about making sure that as a parent one understands the exact question their child is asking since answering the question in that form was as incorrect as my answer concerning what it's like to
feel sexy.)
Others took me to task and asserted that my discussion of sexual feelings and activities was a certain path to early sexual behavior for my son -- when, in fact, study after study shows that
sex education programs that give accurate and full information lead to delay of sexual activity with a partner. These same studies show that teaching sex education courses that offer abstinence as
the only answer often is paired with early sexual partnered behavior without the use of reliable birth control or protection from sexually transmitted conditions.
I read some of these comments and thought, "There'll be no shortage of sex therapy clients for the future generation of sex therapists with these ideas at the helm of parenting."
So, here's an update on my seven-year old son's sex education path.
About three days after our talk in the rocker, when we were just about to brush his teeth, my son told me, "Mom, I don't think that I want to put my penis in a vagina." I said, "That's good, sweetie, because that's something that you may get to do when you are a grown-up. It's not something that kids, even older kids, should do. It's a grown up thing." My son replied, "Good," and then reached for his toothbrush. That reassurance was all that he needed.
Then about two days ago, when he and his four-year old brother and I were having a quick dinner out (my husband was away on business), he leaned over the table and whispered to me, "Mom, do you think that I should have children?" I said, "If you want to, sweetie, that would be fine with me. But, if you don't want to, that's OK with me too." He replied, "I don't think that I want to." "That's fine. Do you know why you think that?" "Um hum," he replied, "I don't think that I can do that penis and vagina thing." I said, "Remember, that is a grown up thing. You might think differently later on when you're grown up. You don't need to decide that when you are a kid. But, any time you have a question about this, just ask me -- just like you're doing." "Thanks, Mom," and he leaned back and dug into his chow mein.
Some readers may think that my son is preoccupied and traumatized by our matter-of-fact discussion about sexual issues. I think that he's treating it like any other topic he learns about -- little bits at a time and with some repetition. That's how he learns math and that's how he learns spelling and reading.
As Deborah Roffman says in her terrific books about sex education for children, we wouldn't expect a child to do multiplication if he hasn't ever seen a number before. And, as Marty Klein says in his terrific talks about sex education, we wouldn't expect a child to say, "Mom, Dad, I want to learn all about dental hygiene. Show me how to brush my teeth." No, we start brushing their teeth when they are toddlers (or younger!) and teach them what will give them a good attitude about maintaining the health of their teeth.
So, waiting for questions about sex as the only strategy for sex education or waiting until they're seventeen is like throwing a kid into a swimming pool and yelling, "Swim!" when they've never been taught about the dangers and benefits of swimming. I don't go so far as to say that real life demonstrations of sex are appropriate (even though I do believe in early swimming lessons), but I think that keeping kids in the dark about it is a disservice to them.
So, my husband and I share the viewpoint that we want to be
the first to talk about sex with our kids -- not the last. I want a healthy understanding of sex that comes from research rather than ideology to be the basis for a lifetime (when I'm long gone) of an enjoyable and rich sexuality for both of my sons. When they have a question about sex, I want them to ask one of us, not their peer on the playground. Any parent who thinks that their sons and daughters aren't hearing this kind of talk on the playgrounds today should volunteer for some yard duty and then assess what needs to be said.
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Technorati Tags: child development, sexuality, sex education
